Sunday, May 30, 2010
so i gawt to wach this spanesh moovee kalled 'the dark hour'. itz a hoarer moovee with zombeez and goest-aleeanz and stuupid diks. itz centured on this boy kalled 'jesus' who is in the kompanee of othur juuz set in a bunkur airea sirounded bi peepel who hayte juuz (zombeez and goest-aleeanz).
were led to beeleev that there wuz this newkleer apokalips with krazi peeple with dog-hedz and an armi of zombeez who hayt spanesh peepel. theeze juu servivorz are tyred and angri and loanly and hayt theze stuupid hayturz, so thei deside to blo them all up with there gunz lyke they were brewse willus.
butt the zombeez and goest-aleeanz are moor pissed and thei piss on them, forsing the kamera gui to pan out and reelize there tru situashawn - killer klownz are xpearimenting on them before eeting there fasez - witch thei du. the end.
this moovee wuz a bit lo on the budgat, but it wuz still gud. i gev this moovee a B+ for beening a sleepur theengee.
Friday, May 28, 2010
sum daiz ago, i wached this 'sherlock holmes' moovee. sherlock holmes is a peeriode peese with sum kun foo guy who mumblez to hymnself in sum wiiurd languiwh (kinda sounds like english). and he doez sum daidreeming.
he also doez sum wershipping of sum devel guy, but he bumbelz up his part in a retchuall and teh kabal get pissed and try to kill him. so he'z raysing throo london, getting drunk, getting into fihts, trying not to get killed buy teh kabel, and also trying not to shak it up with some hawt merikan chicki kuz she'z evil or sumething. waltson is theyre and is all pissi kuz sherlock kant even hold a jab.
it turnz out that sum devel lord is trying to steel the krown jewelz or wutever by killing everywon, so sherlock and watson, and the chikie all stop him - but than killer klownz appear in there entergallaktik spase ship and nuke london and the rest of the wurld, than sing and danse on there fried korpsez. the end.
the moovee wuz enturtayning for a hallewuud moovee, butt it wuz jast an akshawn moovee moor then anithing. i give it a B.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
agan, i wuz toremented to whach a stuupid moovee by kafka - this won wuz kalled 'dead man' starring jonni debt and is set in the viktorian age of kannibel krosdressurz (in merika).
itz a veri stilized moovee, with sum mieldly kwurki karakturz and lotz of willderness. itz about this gui kalled 'blake' whoz looking for neil young bekazz of hiz loud youbekwetus geetar reffs (witch are beening played everiware on hidden speekerz on treez and krap). itz allso a kwest for tobakko.
at furst, blake is a reel wemp - but then he turnz into this pumken skul-krushing, anglesh poeet-killur. baysikly, most of the moovee konsests of peepel geting killed and than having them poeze lyke they were in sum blake paynting.
as blake gets more 'dethly', kollekting 'whyte man's metall', the moovee kopeez apokalips now with the river and sum wiiurd tempel komplex. their, were lead to beeleev that neil yonge is at the centre, waitin for blake so du some dualling with geetar hero.
butt, he'z not there - ensted, itz killer klownz, and they kill everiwon, eat there faysez, and danse on there korpsez. the end.
i thouwt the moovee wuz stuupid and boreing, so i give it a D-, but kafka kinda lyked it and gave it a B. agan, hiz tayste in mooveez is kuestonabul.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
saadly, during teh long weakend, i wuz forsed to watch sum dum moovee kafka forsed me to watch, it wuz kalled 'petropolis', but i kall it poopaganda.
the moovee (and i losely kall it won), is about this majikal land kalled alburta, ware this blak majik substanse kalled 'oil' jast spreengz up from the grownd!! lyke id beleeve that. theze hipsturz are angri kuz theur kutting a few treez down to make ant hillz to farm this majikal substanse that powerz the uniiverze.
itz a reel snuuze fest, kuz theyre isent ani plot or akshawn or karakturz - jast piktur after piktur of all this oil and the faktoriez, and the little ants doing there thing to farm this majikal substanse. it wuz sorta lyke 'manufactured landscapez', but with nothing butt video pikturz. wutever.
kafka thought it wuz alarming and showz ensayn kallallsall inviralmentul damage that's the biggest in the wurld. i wundnt no kuz i slept threw it all.
i give this moovee a big D-, with the only sayving grase is the pretti pikturz - butt it's about nuthing and iz boring. however, kafka thinks it's an A- kuz itz pretti and it illestratez jast wut iz happening and itz stuupid. i think kafka's tayst in mooveez is stuupid. wutever.
Monday, May 24, 2010
this is muh furst wii gaym reevuu!! am gonna start with 'wii fit plus' kuz it wuz the furst gaym i played. it envulves the 'ballanse bord', which is saparate and kosts xtra - butt at lease you kan wai yurself now.
so their wuz this talk of wii fit plus cuz i wuz 'inaktyv' and needed to werk owt or sumthing. wutever, i dont even have a werking hart or bluud so wut does it matur? but thatz besidez the point. i started off by mayking my own 'mii' profile, and i look so fuzzi and stoned (thay say its neerly identekel). than, i got yelled at by this stuupid rektangel guy who sayz im too fat or sumthing. i wai like 20 grammez!!!
aniwaiz, therez theze tests u du to see how 'fit' yu are - aftur that, there are theze yoga thingz and strength thingz, and the best part are theze xtra gaymz.
i am wiked awesum at ballanse gamez, witch der are plenty, enkluding rithem gamez, balanse, strength, and poizing. itz designed to get u up yer fat assez and do sumthing 'hellthy'. thur is sum multiplayer, butt most of it is not siimualltayneus.
so in summari, there iz yoga, strength, ballanse, and xersize aktivetez. it iz gud for hoening ballanse and doing sum strength yoga for thoze not so hawt for the jim. for sumone like me or, maybe squishy. itz gud kuz i dont have to leeve the haus to get 'fit', but for sumone who aktualy iz a snot and goez to the jim, they mite get more kardio there and strength their.
i give this gaym a A- for konsept n stuff.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
so i wuz given this kopy of 'the burrowers', witch is abowt theze peepel who rent mooveez from 'eyesore cinema' and poest reevuuz abowt em.
the moovee is abowt this guy who iz kalled koffee (i kall him sir pisses-a-lot) who saw sum mayk owt sesshawn beetween a chiki, an olde dued, and mistearius otherz, and got jealoused but was too skared to joyn.
so sum diks in soljur suets get all hiped up and think itz theze eeleegal aelianz kalled suu'z, utu'z, or skwall'z (i get konfuzed i dont no who is wut) that iz mayking owt with everiwon. so they bring this 'kru' of a gae wite preest who theenks hez in charg, with this guy kalled pastor (who is smelli), sum token blak guy kalled chef cuz hes a kook, and this boy-man whoz never had sex.
feeld upon feeld we go with these guyz, with sum skwall guy saying there all skruued kuz there stuupid. we than see sum stuupid random soljur guyz get killed bi sum vampi-burro-bunneez so the 'kru' think there soljur addventoor is laym so they leev to hunt rabbetz.
so, smelli pastor gets bored and usurps as leedur when the gae preest is maymed by soshal justise aktevests kuz they were throoing poo at a tree and it got pissed. but than the boy-man goez of and kollects this komatos-unded gurl and propozez marage and tryz to mayke owt with her. but jast before he kan kiss her, sum ball busting bunneez drop him a rowhipinall and dayte raype the boy ensted.
the smelli pastor is pretti laym as leedur, thinking itd be hawt to go to a taatoo konvenshawn with a skwall chiki, forcing chef and sir pisses-a-lot to kum with him. butt pastor is all pissy kuz the konvenshawn is over, so he finds sum utu guyz and goes fishing with em.
jast wen we think everithing is fine and the kredits are rolling, killer klownz show up, pissed kuz there bunniez were eaten, so they kill everiwon and sing and danse on there korpses. but they get huntgri, so they fest on chef's leg kuz its tender. the end.
over all, the moovee has graatuetus kartuun skwall deth kuz of that moovee kalled lost in tranzlayshawn with bill murri. itz a rowmantec tragedi, mostly kuz of the deth of the vampi burro-bunneez (why are monsturz alwayz so hayted!!?!?). it wuz so deepresing, but okay, so i give it a B for bowdayshawss bunnez.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Now, before I get into my latest movie review, I need to update you all on some changes to my blog that you might now have noticed. There have been some complaints (Ben), that my reviews and ramblings are incoherent, with poor spelling and grammar. I think this is stupid beyond belief and that those who have trouble are just racist and have no education. However, because I must be a whore and cater to my fans, I've allowed some trusted others to translate for me so that my exceptional thoughts and opinions can be better appreciated and understood by the smelly masses.
So anyways, here's my review on the Japanese* pseudo-horror film, 're-cycle'. It's about this chicky who's a writer, blogger, and is really famous because she writes sappy romance novels. She's totally emo-esque, going on about how her life sucks and she rejects some guy of her past who was, and still is, a real dick.
However, then she finds herself haunted by some crazy babushka lady who wants her pen back. The babushka lady gets so crazy and pissed off she curses her to the land of factory-farming libraries and zombie-encrusted harlequins. In essence, she's sent to L.A.
Except she's really incompetent. She has no idea what's going on, even though it's clear she's in the land of lethal yoga poses and laid-off office grunts. In fact, she's so incompetent, she has to rely on some eight year old girl to avoid clear danger (such as nazi zombie whores and plot holes).
In the end, when the chicky gets to where she's suppose to be, her uncle busts through the set in a drunken rage and damages the blue-green screen, sending the crew to the four corners of the world. But just when you think the movie is beyond salvaging, killer clowns drop in out of no where, kill the kid (yay!), the chicky, and everyone else within a twelve mile radius before bursting into song and dance. The end.
Now, the scenery is lush with lushy things, such as giant dolls of doom, the giant bridge of holding one's breath, and the aborted fetuses cave. If you can tolerate the melodrama of her holding her breath and whining about pillow fights with her dad, it's okay to watch for the visuals. It is a message film about... yes, you guessed it, recycling and saving the environment from original plots. So please, please recycle your ideas.
I give this movie a C++ for visual appeal, but nothing much else.
*It's actually a Hong Kong/Thai co-production, but he wont listen...
Saturday, May 15, 2010
'night watch' and 'day watch' is a moovee due-o of hoarer, and spydur bugz, and skari rushshawnz. it iz of bytey guyz and gurlz who lyke bluud and peeple with flash lytes of doom. itz also veri gloomi.
this moovee is about the antiks of sum rushshan guy who haytz his gurlfren and tryz to get reeveng by talking to sum baabooshka soreseress fore sum blak majik. itz this blak majik that maykz him funi and enter the 'gloomi' and halusinate.
basikly hez a 'other' vampi killur who only haz the power to halusinate, and he doez it alot. he seez peeplez hed xploodz into klay, and gloing i'z, metall wips of desstrukshawn, and vidio gaymz that sea into the fyouchur. he'z basikly an alki who gets off on booze and bluud and bumblez roand until he meatz this chik who iz all powurfull and kursed with krows around hur. he sedusez hur with an ulser and then beetraiz this kid and maykez out with sum owl chik whoz reely a lezbeean.
i dont no... but itz kool!!!
parti at end of wurld karioki!
than, in the sekkond moovee, he getz off killing sum stuupid vampi, cuz the gurlfren chik wuz hawt, but that gets him in trubble with the vampi clan, who want to kill him. so he hydes in sum person, who maykes out with hiz gurlfren and haz lezbeean sex in sum waturfall plase. but then the hed vampi guy gets pissed kuz the halucinator guy keepz killing peeple, and so he triez to destroi publik trannset. but he getz tyred and haz this rushshawn parti. but kuz the killer klownz werent envited, they get pissed and destroi moskva and the rest of the wurld and the peeple, than join the parti and sing and danse on there korpsez. the end.
mosko, rushsha, 2007 (aftur a kold wintur)
the mooveez are all veri pretti to watch, and antertayning, and funni, and rushshawnz are wiirud (lyke sum of them japaneze mooveez that are wiiurd). i give it boath A!!!!
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
tcaf!!!!! in kayse u dont no, tcaf is the 'toreonto komix aretz fesstival' and itz set at the liebrareri neerbi that ritzi, preetenshus peese of poop plase kalled 'yorkville'. thatz were bikurz and bumz get killed cuz their poor and smelli.
so, tcaf is full of aretests, riterz, publeshurz, and wannabeez who tri to get yur attenshawn and bi there stuf. sumtymz they have theze thingz kalled 'panalz' ware your in this room and they talk about zombee apokalips, druggie hipsturz, and koolaid. jenurally, many freekz and skari haflingz run round in stroolurz, yelling at there golumz to bi crap or skreem for ice kreem. but lukily muh gardianz protecked me from them.
it wuz free, and i wuz there and i had muh own tabel!!! giving away muh lemeted addishawn komix numbar 2 and talking about muh blog!!! i met sum faymus peeple lyke jim woodring, paul pope, jose villarrubia, chester brown, seth, daniel clowes, and peter venkman. they all lyked muh komik and blog... sept seth, who wuz a dik kuz he hit me!!! (i think... that kuud also hav been paul, whoz such a rok star, but i still luv him!!).
((peepel lyning up to sea me!!!!))
aniwayz, it wuz a gud event and u suk if you werent there! but nawt at the end, cuz killer klownz showed up and killed everiwon left kuz it wuz klosing tyme and peepel were ideotz and hanging around me triing to get muh oughtograff even tho i wuz triing to go home. agan, i pretended i wuz murchandize and wuz eggnored.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
i yoused to think i wuz a wiiurdo, butt than i went to fcbd (free komik buhk dai) at a komik buhk stoar and i wuz freeked out bi all teh wiiurdoz and geekz. this fcbd iz basikly a day of triing to get "reggyoular peeple" to reed komix bi offuring them free stuf and stayk dinnar daytz with arrtests, butt wut they get iz lots of wiirudoz and kostuumed peeple triing to be wiirudoz.
i wuz their, promoeting muh komik - furst ishu!!! but i got skared and tryed to hyde with sum akshawn fegurz. jast when it got reel krouded and skari, killer klownz showed up on der hovur bykes, killed everiwon butt me (kuz i looked like murchandize), and dansed on their smelli korpzez whyle singing. teh end.
this iz me in muh allturnative kostume (triing to hyde from teh freekz).
dr. manhaten wuz here shoing of hiz junk.
me and muh lemeted edishawn komik!!! (and sum wiirdo tuching me...)
their wuz epik fiytz going on.
butt, moestly wiirdoz triing to be kool.
theze guiz freeked me out...
me hyding from all of em, preetending to be murchandize.
the skurel gui wuz reeely hungri.
Monday, May 3, 2010
sumtymez i think my lyff is a moovee or a dreem, and than i saa a moovee that konfirmz muh suspishawnz, 'living in oblivion'.
this moovee is durekted by 'steve buscemi', otherwize none as 'broadway bob dannunzio' in that toretur porn moovee 'art school confidential', and 'neil' from 'final fantasy: the spirits within', the faelled atempt of square to brake free from gaymez.
i wood kall it a veri shourt fillm kauze it only haz three seenz: one mylk fest with lazor catapillar ninjaz, one love seen ware brad pitt gets ataked by pyritz, and one david lynch rip off with kreepy olde laydiz triing to rape sum dwarf. it wuz reeelly tuching me, it wuz reeelly emoshawnal.
i wood rekommend this fillm to aniwon who wantz to no wut steve buscemi is reeely like. i give this fillm A for oddashus.
p.s. SUM peeple think i blathur too much cuz they have ADD or wutever, so im keeping it short from now on.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
so i wuz mulling over the titles at my faevorit rental plase and kame akross 'faust' by Jan Švankmajer (1994). it had dulls and demuns witch is wut apeeled to me. this moovee elso kums frum kafkaland - prageh, and is very durteh and olde and komyounesty.
i wuz a bit konfuzed weth the plot as it had dulls and sum middle age guy poking his nose into wiiurd thingz and krazi thingz hapening. it wuz veri vizuall and enturesting, like the durektor'z othur stuff. it allmost remineds me of lynch and his wiiurd mooveez, xsept this haz stop-annemayshawn and is full of kreepi thingz.
to be breef, ill jest say it haz this man whoz got a big noze and summons god to do hiz bedding. god is reeely angri (i shuud no, i lyv with the buggar) and kursez him and we see him get skrewed royalli. than, killer klownz kum and kill everiwon and danse on the bluudy floor, trip, and get empalled temsellvez. the end.
for kool vizuallzez and kreepy wiiurdness and killer klownz, i give this moovee a A for ahsum.
p.s. fcbd opinyonz to be posted when i remembur wut hapened.